chronic holiday

no laugh track on this one

2009-07-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

again, a quick fly-by here as i update the situation on the home and blog front: my house is now uninsurable because of the three sewage floods that have happened here in the past 4 years. three floods that have been cause by the guy who lives above me. the guy who still gets to live in my housing co-op, for some reason. the board here is slow to act and rather inept. what this boils down to is that i don't know if i will have a home here as of September 3rd and i might possible have to give notice on august 1st. i've lived in this co-op for almost 17 years and i have a less stable home than the jerk that has repeatedly flooded my home with shit. not logical? not fair? just? nope. and not very workable.

so yeah, i'm not going to be blogging for awhile. wish me luck...

chronic disarray

2009-06-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

if there is anyone left out there who has kept my blog on their feeder or who happens to drop by now and then, i'd like to report that i have not dropped off the face of the earth; rather, i have been unable to organize my thoughts whilst waiting for the flooring in my house to be replaced and my office to be returned to something resembling an open, workable space. i don't know about you, but clutter in the room clutters my mind. also, my pain has been really bad these past two months and i haven't been able to push past the crash and clutter of pain on the brain in order to blog.

i do plan to return to active blogging at least by september. until then, do have a lovely summer, and don't forget to slather on the sunscreen. or not. gawd, who am i to give unsolicited advice?

tiredsville

2009-03-19T19:18:00.001-07:00

so, we pulled out the toxic carpet only to have the toxic underlay (which we didn't pull out because it was stapled in a million places) take its place as far as making my office unbearable and the air in the house sharp and unhealthy. i'm rather sick and tired of feeling extra sick and tired from chemicals and from the stress of dealing with absentee contractors.

with the weight of extra fatigue on my shoulders, i've been dragging myself through my days/daze here. hold on! i have the chronic holiday spirit; i can boost my energy easily. what was i thinking? all i need to kick my ass out of tiredsville and into action city is a little green bottle:

it's so simple! why do i forget that? i'm sorry i hadn't shared this one with you earlier. in 2 to 6 minutes, you, too, can be up at at 'em. forget red bull or expensive supplements! and thank gawd 7-up works "even when you're doing nothing." fantastic!

with or without the extra boost of 7-up, i just wanted to let you know that chronic holiday will be back in the swing of things soon, i hope. until then, i'll keep you busy with this feast for the eyes and the stomach! try another dandy spam recipe from the 40's.

and may i suggest for dessert:

whether you're chronically inclined or fit as a fiddle, keep on keeping on and getting by in whatever way you do! and let me know how those recipes turn out...

OMG, it's march

2009-03-04T23:27:00.000-08:00

hey folks. this is just a short post to let you know that i still have no office and am not able to post yet. my toxic carpet problems continue because of the age-old tradition of passing the buck. the insurer, the supplier, the sub-contractor and the project supervisor are all doing their best to pass the buck verrrrry slowly. it took over a month for the insurer to decide that she couldn't do anything. it's been almost three months now since i complained about this.

i'm going to get this f'd up flooring fiasco fixed, and when i do, i'm going to get chronic holiday up and at 'em again!

please stand by...

monday quiz: back away slowly edition

2009-02-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

i'm very pleased to once again present a guest post by the one and only seahorse. if you have a chronic condition, you've probably seen that glazed look you get from a health professional who just doesn't want to deal with anything complex. who's afraid of the big bad chronic patient? take seahorse's quiz and find out!

take it away, seahorse:

We all know that the medical profession can be somewhat hands-off where long-term chronic health conditions are concerned. So what's going on? Are they too scared to treat us? Lazy? Do they think it's someone else's responsibility? Or are they too ignorant to realise that sometimes a little intervention goes a long way...

please vote! and then add your comments-- have you scared the crap out of a health professional lately? are you too complicated to touch with a ten-foot pole?

seahorse has given us the answer in the comments section. you can still make your guess above before reading about seahorse's experience. many thanks to seahorse for giving us another thought-provoking quiz!

post-flood blues

2009-01-20T11:48:00.000-08:00

i haven't abandoned my post here at chronic holiday, i just don't have an office i can breath in. we had a flood in our house and most of it was gutted. i chose wool carpets instead of reinstalling new nylon carpets in an attempt to make this renovation as non-toxic as possible. as it turns out, the carpet has been treated with moth repellent and is very strong smelling. not all 100% wool carpet is non-toxic. who knew! anyway, i get sick feeling, headachey and foggy headed when i am in the office and this is why i haven't been online posting. i'm trying to remedy the situation but it is taking time. i'll be back as soon as possible! and if anyone wants to do a guest post, that would rock.

keep the chronic flame burning while i'm gone!

what to get big chronic kids for christmas

2008-12-15T21:18:00.000-08:00

are you having a tough time trying to figure out what to buy for those you love who don't feel well? you want something meaningful, yet fun; something that says "i know you're not at your peak, let me help you up a bit." you want to get something a bit more impactful than a warm sweater and a lot more fun than a treadmill. it's simple! all we need to do is go back to the late 1800's to shop for the difficult to buy for: the sickies, the wobblies, the weak and the unwell.

who says healthy gifts have to be boring gifts? pshaw! there needn't be any silent nights this chronic christmas. believe me, any one of these gifts under the tree is sure to get a rise out of your intended.

singing, "ding, dong, merrily on high" and "joy to the world." bring on the retro gifts and begone "general ill health."

seriously folks, if you celebrate christmas, hanukkah, solstice or kwanzaa, i wish you all the best of the season: a bit of ease, some peace, company and good food. i hope you're toasty warm and as well as can be.

a straightforward message at the end there: shocking, i know.

monday quiz: back to school (beta) edition

2008-11-24T11:44:00.001-08:00

it lives! the monday quiz is back. it's been a long while since we had a regular quiz here on chronic holiday. i'm very pleased that seahorse has breathed life back into the quiz. she also set me the task of trying to figure out how to do a 6 part quiz with 3 possible answers for each question. is this my wake up call here at the hotel? anyway, consider this a beta test of the newest monday quiz as i haven't used surveymonkey before. if you enable pop ups and then refresh your browser, this should be successful. without further ado, here is seahorse with her schoolhouse blues:

I have recently had the monumental task of looking round secondary schools with my son. In the UK, there's the state vs. private conundrum. We looked at community state schools, grammar schools and private (independent) schools. The first are free, the second are free but have an entrance exam, the third are free if you are poor enough but very expensive if you are not.

What struck me, after the discussions about "which school" were over, was the fact that all the visits offered a class-busting glimpse into how society treats disability. There were, on several visits, some real corkers in terms of lack of disability awareness through to outright prejudice – and of course the classic clueless remarks that we've all come to know and roll our eyes at. Also, some hidden gems.

So, your task is to figure out what type of school each of the following incidents occurred at: an expensive private, selective grammar or mainstream community school.

[if a pop up window does not open, you can take the quiz by clicking on the link below. you can't see the results with this type of survey. i'll post the numbers at the end of the week.]

Click Here to take quiz

thank you, seahorse. does more money lead to more access? do bad attitudes exist everywhere? this quiz makes you think. we'll post the answers next monday.

if you're looking for instant gratification, you can go back and vote on seahorse's first guest quiz and find the answer in the comments section following the post; for this quiz, however, you will have to fold your hands nicely on your desk and bloody well be patient.

UPDATE: when you cast your vote, you can't see how other people are voting, so i thought i'd let you know how things are going so far: november, 27: with 20 people voting, expensive private school is well ahead in all questions except for number 2, where mainstream community school is taking the lead. i don't have the fancy touch screen displays like CNN, but at least i can keep you informed about how things are looking at the polls, i mean quiz.

UPDATE 2: look in the comments section where seahorse has posted the answers along with her take on the whole school dilemma. we always get a bit of schooling from seahorse!

prelude to a post

2008-11-12T21:43:00.001-08:00

i'm working on a new post about eating meat and animal fat. i haven't been especially carnivorous lately, i've just been reading a bit about a new book fat: an appreciation of a misunderstood ingredient, with recipes.

i'm still not in top blogging form here at the hotel, so here's a little something to help keep you on theme until i do a proper post. here is a scintillating video by the late andy warhol:

still hungry for more meat? check out james lileks' gallery of regrettable food: meat, meat meat! edition.

so convenient, so safe

2008-11-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

something for you to ponder while i continue with my non-posting ways here at the hotel. you must click on the image below and read all about this innovative product with the gay new patterns.

is it just me, or does the animal image in the frame on the wall look like it has a skull head. were the artists in the ad company trying to warn people? do we still need to wonder why so many people have chronic health problems?

sh*t happens

2008-10-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

just a quick post to say that i've been flooded out of my home and won't be posting regularly for at least a month. i don't have access to my computer and all my images, so i think my style might be cramped for a bit. plus, there's the added physical strain of being away from my special foam bed and all the other things in my house that makes things a bit easier. but yup, shit happens and that is actually what my house is filled with. we had a sewage flood. did you know they call it "black water" in the plumbing biz? did you know they have full colour digital cameras that they shove down your pipes? i don't mean a gastroscopy! but it did look like clogged arteries in there. ick. we are paying for the bad habits of other people in our building. flush healthy, people! be nice to those lower in the building.

so, now's the time if you've ever wanted to do a guest post. do you have a monday quiz in mind? a good rant? a particularly good vintage ad? i'll check my google mail account regularly.

what do you do when shit comes up? deal with it. laugh. eat a bit of sugar. blow off some steam. and watch those repair contractors with an eagle eye. i want my house back!

why did the chimney sneeze?

2008-09-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

because it had a flu. i know, i know, dumb joke and the spelling is wrong. that's what you get when my virus addled brain tries for some quick comedy. my official welcome to fall came in the form of the flu. i've had it a week now and am still feeling rather crappy. i've got a post waiting in the wings all about meat and fat and this new book that claims we should just chow down on steak and butter. but i've gotta tell ya, i have a hard time writing about food right now given my nausea, and i just can't face the doozy of an image i found to accompany the post. oof. so, you'll just have to wait a while. don't have a cow! i'll get to it...

in the meantime, i'm going to take these for the bonus sore throat that i have:

ah, the good old days! i bet these made a throat feel good. it seems to me that there are a lot more cold remedies out there than ones for flu. and a lot of weird ones at that. naught to be done for the flu but rest and fluids? no hot, wet socks to bed? no steaming onions? well, at the very least, i should get googling and start researching ways to boost my immune system. it sucks getting every virus going around. if you have any good flu jokes, do send them in!

roll the film, professor

2008-09-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

are you in "a run down condition?" maybe you're "shy and withdrawn" or "tense and irritable." not to worry! coronet instructional films will help you get fit and be happy. join ernie, jean and hal as they learn how exercise helps you "make friends easier" and how it is an "outlet for emotional tensions." they still end up being kind of dull and nerdy, but have fewer colds.

this movie is from the wonderful prelinger archive at the internet archive.

be a smarty, feed 'em hearty

2008-09-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

finally, an excuse to post some of my best (or worst, depending on how strong your stomach is) food ads from the late forties and fifities. blame the bloggers at chewing the fat , fridawrites, yet another never updated blog and others for putting recipes on their blogs. recipes have been sweeping the disability blogosphere and i have to give them the chronic holiday twist! i just have to chime in with some incredibly good eats that will ensure you, your husband and little jimmy will all stay fit, full and happy.

click on the ad to enlarge the text; i know you don't want to miss even one ingredient. impress your friends with your cooking prowess! use spam in bold new ways! don't worry about gluten-free or anti-candida or those complicated rotation diets. just open a jar of mayonnaise or liquid cheese and let 'er rip.

have fun adding tempting zest and interest to your meals!

google mail can cure me!

2008-08-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

i have a google mail account and use it to do useful things like correspond with guest quiz writers. if you have gmail, have you ever noticed that their system scans the body of your emails and targets you with "relevant" ads? it creeps me out. their software doesn't just look at the titles of your emails, no, no, they go for the content. the heart of the matter. your private correspondence is their ad fodder.

for the last monday quiz, frida and i wrote each other several emails. you can see from this first screen shot image that the ads were geared toward our shared experience of back pain:

in the next round of emails, we got similar ads and also, inexplicably, one for a rear support harness for dogs (insert comment here). we got suggestions for "distance healing," a site that heals "people, pets and places" and other places to send our money. but it was on our final round that the ads lurched into the bizarre chronic holiday zone wherein frida received notice of how to deal with "severe black magic" (not just the run of the mill everyday stuff) and i have the very special "vibrational energy technology" among others:

i'm afraid frida may have succumbed. in her last email to me she wrote:

"Facing Severe BlackMagic? Try a Neck Pain Relief Pillow. Let's try gmail advertising advice!"

oh, google, what did we ever do without you?

monday quiz: the spinal edition

2008-08-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

i'm very pleased to introduce you to our fourth guest quiz writer, frida, whose blog fridawrites is a smart take on disability, gender and writing. take it away, frida:

Jigsaw Puzzle

Sometimes in a fit of curiosity, people ask what's wrong with my spine. I stand there for a minute, stumped, because I really don't know where, or if, to begin. I've thought about making up giant business cards perforated like jigsaw puzzles, one diagnosis on each piece, and carrying them around with me. The pieces would include:

Frequent fractures, severe idiopathic osteoporosis/low bone density, scoliosis, muscle imbalances, whiplash, herniated and bulging discs, degenerative disc disease, nondiscogenic lumbar pain, pseudosciatica, sacroiliitis, piriformis syndrome, cervical radiculopathy, neurological lesions and high bladder pressure/ incontinence from spinal cord impingement, sinus tachycardia, low blood pressure from pain, psoriatic arthritis, spondyloarthropathy, ankylosing spondylitis.

If all that sounds confusing, it is. Usually, I only have time to give people a piece or two of the puzzle, not the whole picture. That leads to odd advice that just takes into account the acute symptom at the time, such as osteoporosis or herniated disc, or, more generally, fatigue or pain.

I've received quite a number of unusual suggestions to relieve my spine pain...

In the meantime, I recently decided I should consider becoming a medical transcriptionist like my sister and earn a partial living by transcribing my own medical notes.

thanks, frida, for sharing a bit of your story with us and for the excellent quiz. is it the demons, the dirt or the divorce? how about the needle or the tea? puzzle it over and make your best chronic choice. after voting, look for the answer in the comments section.

i'm still here!

2008-08-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

wow, what happened to july? i've been in a bit of a chronic fog and, all of a sudden, we're well into august. this is just a quick note to let you know that i shall return! there's an excellent monday quiz in the works; plenty of cool vintage ads standing by and people haven't stopped saying quotable things to me, believe you me.

in the meantime, should you need something to amuse yourself, why not try this? i hear it can be quite therapeutic.

desperate times call for desperate measures

2008-07-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

have you ever done something a bit over the top in order to try to find some relief from physical discomfort? i have nothing against sinus buster , "the world's first hot pepper nasal spray," but really, should one stick something up one's nose that has a picture of two hot red peppers on the bottle? i did. and i will never forget the feeling of vaporized capsicum hitting me deep inside my sinuses. have you ever produced noises that you didn't know you could make? have you ever laughed and screamed at the same time because something is sort of ridiculous at the same time as really painful and you wonder why you ever thought it might be a good idea?

why not try an electric bath? that might help!

my sinus misadventure got me thinking about other things i have tried in a moment of desperation. as a teenager in pain, i tried coca cola and aspirin and ended just being super burpy and nauseated. i also tried a handful of little blue pills a classmate stole from her sister that were supposed to be good for back pain. i took them at lunchtime and they were good for nearly getting me expelled! as an adult, i have done many things that temporarily seemed like a good idea. there was the time i put tiger balm in a pot of boiling water and inhaled deeply, hoping to ease my sore throat and stuffed nose. let's just say that a topical analgesic made with camphor and cloves should stay well away from delicate mucous membranes. and how about the time i tried a carrot juice fast and persevered far too long and ended up weak and tinted orange? not the brightest thing to do. last summer, i saw a chinese medicine doctor and i boiled up things like chicken skin, fungus and clam shells to make the worst tasting tea ever in order to try to cure my stomach pain. oh, the list goes on and on.

then there's the stuff that just hurts the pocketbook but fails to effect any physical change (good, bad or humourous): i've bought magnets and wonder pain killing cloth and expensive, odd supplements. we all have our moments of weakness, right?

what have you done in search of relief that you shake your head at and laugh?

in the summertime when the forehead is hot

2008-07-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

i am in a haze because of the nasty east coast virus/bacteria combo i picked up on my travels. regular programming will return to normal as soon as my head no longer feels like it's going to implode.

now, if this damn call bell would work...nurse?!

(this is actress pola negri in the early 1900's)

closed for two weeks for chronic holiday

2008-06-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

i'm flying the chronic coop for two weeks. well, i actually take the chronic along with me, but i am indeed leaving home for a while. let's look at the check list: i've got my neck support pillow, my two special bed foams, my lumbar support, my two electronic pain treatment devices--oh, please let me get through customs with those--my wheelchair, parking placard, special earplugs, sleeping pills, icepacks, anti-inflammatory cream, 5 homeopathic remedies, 2 types of calcium, heating pad and my doctor's note indicating that i will need special seating and will need to get up and stretch a lot during flight.

so, how does this sound for adventure: i'll be flying in the US, i'm taking strange electronic devices, gel packs, unusual medication and will need to get up often during the flight to do peculiar stretches and such. oh, and i look weird according to gender norms, can miraculously get up out of my wheelchair to walk through the metal detector and have hidden and non-removable piercings. should i take a poll and see how many of you think i will be detained?

i'll catch you back here after my trip!

monday quiz: the scooter edition

2008-06-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

a small sea creature has come to my rescue! who would have thought. the monday quiz lives thanks to seahorse, a blogger in england who writes an often funny, thoroughly enlightening, visually engaging blog that i am really very fond of. here we go then, with our third guest blogger and our first scooter user. in her words:

seahorse writes the blog beauty offensive, where rage or loveliness win the day depending on what mood she is in. she uses a mobility scooter and often gets angry. sometimes the two are connected. but by her own admission she’s always been a stroppy cow.

which of the comments below, all encountered by seahorse whilst out and about on her scooter, made her blood boil the most? we’re talking right off the boilometer, 0-60 in two seconds, red face and steaming ears before you can say, “was it something i said?”

thanks, seahorse! as someone who occasionally uses a wheelchair, i have heard some winners. hmmm. which one revved you up the most? the answer is now in the comments section. seahorse also muses upon the etymology of the phrase "stroppy cow." is it a good thing to be?

don't forget, the poll is still open for voting!

humour hiatus

2008-05-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

i haven't forgotten about the monday quiz or spreading chronic hilarity in general, i've just been dealing with the serious side of life and i'm a bit fried. if anyone out there would like to guest star on a quiz, i would be happy to work one up with your content. otherwise, let's do a short spring hiatus here and watch reruns of some of my fave posts:

from the mouths of health care workers

always more than you bargained for

can we get an "amen"?

candy's dandy

maybe all i truly need is a glass of ovaltine at bedtime. can it really be that simple? say it's so!

oh, wait a minute... i wake up gay no matter what. next remedy, please!

fibromyalgia awareness day

2008-05-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

may 12th is international fibromyalgia awareness day. who knew! i guess it's been going on since 1993. i am so not in the loop... but that ends this year because now i am not only living the life, i am blogging the blog. or something like that.

in the spirit of this blog, i give you a link to the "fibromyalgia funnies," a site where folks with FM share their greatest moments of fibrofog-generated hilarity.

look better, feel better, wake up your body

2008-05-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

i have to take another trip in the way-back machine so i can pick me up a pair of these winners:

aren't they fabulous? not to mention convenient. don't be concerned that both models look rather doubtful--he's thinking about his diminishing sperm count and she's wondering what idiot in the ad department decided she should sit down and cross her legs--this contraption is right for every body. just blow them up, slip them on and stand in wonder!

don't limit yourself by thinking that these puffy pants are just for slimming. no, no! the byline says that they will help you feel better and wake up your body. dryer than a bracing shower and cheaper than an invigorating massage, these blue wonders will refresh and invigorate. and while waddling around in these, one is sure to have one's mood brighten. sign me up!

i bet they would be useful for padding my nasty sciatica pain as well. anybody else want a pair? i'm sure i haven't thought of all the ways in which these would be helpful.

monday quiz: MS edition

2008-04-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

emma kivisild is a writer and artist living in vancouver, and she guest stars this week in our monday quiz. take it away emma:

i have MS, a chronic illness that is notoriously variable, difficult to diagnose, hard to assess treatments for, etc. in addition, any MS patient can tell you about weird things that happen to them ("internal tingling," is one i have heard of) that they think might be, must be, related to their condition, but physicians tell them there is no reason why they should be MS related, ergo they are not. fact is, the things are still happening. what are they? the only thing to do is to go to other people with MS and ask them if they have experienced these weird things. we are all bodies of anecdotal evidence. as reliable as a short story anthology.

and then, everyone has a different constellation of symptoms, plus the symptoms come and go for most of us. why?

what i am getting at is this:

people with MS are ripe targets for almost any regimen or cure. there is always someone it worked for. there is no way to tell if that was what worked.

in the 15 or so years since my diagnosis, I have come across a few "miracle" cures.

thank you, emma, for a great quiz. so many symptoms, so many choices!

check out emma's book two ends of sleep, a novel that describes the "difficulty of a life lived between waking and dozing" - a life lived with MS. and read her piece in body breakdowns, "a collection of true tales about brushes with mortality and the medical establishment."

finally, emma recommends this link at health watcher as a good source of information about the myths and misinformation behind MS "cures" and such.

april 28: emma posted the answer to this quiz along with an explanation of why she chose a certain substance as the only thing not suggested as an MS cure. you'll find it in the comments section.

bottoms up! drink to your health.

2008-04-18T16:33:00.001-07:00

i have a cold right now and can't really think too clearly. perhaps all i need to do is rely on some old-time remedies. i'll enter the way-back machine, arrive at 1897, and look to the british medical journal for advice:

like many ads today, this one doesn't say why the "medical faculty" is endorsing this product, but just having that stamp of approval solidifies the message that this whiskey is good for your health. i bet it would ease my sore throat better than a stupid warm water and salt gargle!

i'll stay in the late 1800's and follow up my shot of seven year old whiskey with a bubbly glass of coca cola. i don't know about you, but a cold makes my head hurt and my brain very foggy. i'm tired and slow and i guess all i really need is a coke:

this may have been when coke had that special "extra ingredient," i'm not sure. all i know is that it must taste better than this hot lemon juice, ginger, garlic and cayenne drink i have in front of me!

now, if i could only find the year that "pink pills for pale people" were made...

monday quiz: don't worry, be happy edition

2008-04-06T21:10:00.001-07:00

today, we have another guest for our quiz: i bring you the story of my best friend jackal who, for most of his life, has suffered through cycles of severe depression. if you experience serious depression, you've probably been on the receiving end of many suggestions of how to get well or get over it. depression is very complicated and tenacious, but that hasn't stopped people from giving jackal many helpful hints for easily getting rid of his depression forever.

which one of the six remedies has not been recommended to jackal? the answer is now in the comments section! you can vote before checking, if you like.

monday quiz:

2008-03-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

for the last quiz, i wrote about getting unexpected advice from a grocery store cashier. if you're chronic like me, you've probably gotten health tips in many unlikely places: on the bus, in the dog park, on a plane, on an elevator. they're everywhere! today's quiz is brought to us by a chronic holiday reader who got some interesting advice from her dentist.
four out of five dentists agree that when you can't help your patient with her jaw pain you should focus on something else.

green cows look like the popular choice so far. what do you think? vote and then find the answer in the comment section below.

nothing like milk?

2008-03-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

a new ad series in mexico vividly exclaims: "children who don't drink milk are more fragile!"

holy crap! if you care about your child, you'd better run to the store and get many, many litres of milk! i know the ad is an exaggeration (and it's pretty funny to watch), but is the message really true? is there really "nada como la leche"?

approximately 2/3 of the world's population doesn't drink milk and guess what? they are not crumbling into dusty heaps of broken, weak bones. in fact, osteoporosis isn't as big a problem in asia as it is in north america and they don't even have milk on their recommended daily food guide. gasp! according to the harvard school of public health's info page on calcium and milk:

"For individuals who are unable to digest - or who dislike - dairy products and for those who simply prefer not to consume large amounts of such foods, other options are available. Calcium can also be found in dark green leafy vegetables, such as kale and collard greens, and in dried beans and legumes."

nothing like collards? there's no money in that! the diary industry has decided that mexicans aren't drinking "enough" milk, so the push is on. there's at least one problem with this (from the harvard site):

"Many people have some degree of lactose intolerance. For them, eating or drinking dairy products causes problems like cramping, bloating, gas, and diarrhea. Certain groups are much more likely to have lactose intolerance. For example, 90 percent of Asians, 70 percent of blacks and Native Americans, and 50 percent of Hispanics are lactose-intolerant, compared to only about 15 percent of people of Northern European descent."

maybe your children will blow up and explode into pieces after drinking a lot of milk:

okay, by now you know what's going to happen, but it's still gasp and laugh inducing:

i'll give the last word to walter willett, chair of the department of nutrition, at a workshop on milk, hormones, and human health at the harvard club of boston:

"We know that calcium is an essential nutrient, and we have to get it someplace. But it doesn't have to be dairy. We know that kids do grow up in other parts of the world without consuming dairy products, and they have healthy bones.''

i'm just sayin'.

monday quiz: corner store edition

2008-03-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

sometimes, potential cures come at you from left field. you might have thought that you were just going to nip into the store to get a few groceries, but little did you know that the cashier would dispense a pearl of healing wisdom along with your change. so, that's one bunch of kale, a litre of milk, a bag of brown rice, a box of green tea and a cure for arthritis. will that be everything for you today?

paper or plastic? botox or gold? the answer is in the comments section.

monday, monday...

2008-03-04T21:14:00.000-08:00

jeesh, it's tuesday already and there's no monday poll. i'm going to start doing the monday poll every other week so i'll be sure to get it posted on time.

when pressured for a deadline, my mom would say, "i'll do it the second tuesday of next week!"

good one, eh? feel free to use it. by the time people figure it out, you'll be long gone.

hold on to your hat

2008-03-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

in the u.s. alone, drug companies spend about $5 billion on drug ads aimed at consumers. like the snake-oil barkers of old, drug companies are weaving tales and drawing in customers. if you take a moment to really think about what they're selling or if you listen to the long list of side-effects that are spoken rapidly and in a hushed tone near the end of the ad, you might start to question the line they're selling. but people are being swayed and millions of dollars are being spent on drugs that are heavily advertised.

i don't know how effective government investigations are, but a u.s. congressional committee is investigating ads for lipitor (and others). lipitor is the best-selling drug in america. the ad for this anti-cholesterol drug features artificial heart "inventor " dr.robert jarvik. not only does jarvik not have a license to practice medicine, he isn't even a cardiologist. the ad even includes the use of a stunt double to show dr. jarvik sculling across a lake! jarvik is not a rower. oh, and he didn't actually invent the artificial heart. because of government scrutiny of the jarvik ads, pfizer has just announced it will drop the multi-million dollar campaign saying they didn't mean to mislead the public. yeah, right. they'll think of something new and exciting soon enough.

i don't know that anything will keep big pharma honest, what with their billions of dollars, their lobbyists and their bribing of doctors. we just have to keep questioning and not fall under their spell.

it wouldn't be a chronic holiday post if we couldn't laugh at this, right? to wit, i give you the crew at saturday night live, who recently did a spoof of a tv ad for birth control. the fake ad uses similar pill packaging, actors and scenarios depicted in the real ad for the pill "seasonale."

it's tuesday and here's your overdue monday quiz:

2008-02-25T22:09:00.000-08:00

so far, people seem to be voting for the more esoteric choices, but, sometimes, simple things that you've had in your cupboard for years actually hold the key to changing your health around dramatically. duh! i have fibromyalgia and a common symptom is debilitating fatigue. i've had fibro for over 25 years and have tried many, many ways to get more get up and go. like most people with fibro, i haven't really had much success in kicking my fatigue to the curb. recently, someone told me that i just needed to do one thing and i would have energy to spare!
the very simple answer to the "draggin' your ass blues" is now in the comments section. you can still make your guess and see what's the crowd favourite!

your monday quiz

2008-02-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

time to get your vote on! this problem and answer is brought to us by elizabeth mcclung, who writes an intelligent and witty blog that you should definitely check out. like all people with a serious illness, elizabeth has been on the receiving end of many helpful suggestions, the latest coming at her in a 5:00 a.m. phone call all the way from manitoba! elizabeth has autonomic failure and experiences things like heart problems (including the risk of sudden heart attack), blood pressure problems, muscle decay, pain and heat intolerance. very serious stuff and very complicated.

undeterred by the complexity of elizabeth's physical condition, one person told her that all she needed to do was one simple thing. what do you think that was?

it's time to reveal the answer to all your autonomic prayers. right now, pranic healing is ahead. is this the key? check out the comments section to find the answer. (you can still vote, if you want to try your luck or your knowledge.)

a new feature: the monday chronic quiz

2008-02-11T15:39:00.000-08:00

every monday, i'll post a new quiz that gives you the chance to guess which remedy will cure a problem that has, for years, plagued you or somebody you know. now wait, it's not as simple as using logic! the goal here is to select which cure was confidently recommended to myself or one of my blog readers as a sure cure. it's quick, it's easy and it doesn't taste bad! just select the remedy, read what others think and i'll post the answer at the end of the week.

and now, the answer you've all been waiting for:

after telling someone that she has had insomnia since she was a small child and has tried everything under the sun (with very little success), this no-fuss remedy was suggested to katrin. what is the easiest way to certain slumber? you'll find it in the comments section, so you can still make a guess above, if you like.

eat, drink... be healthy?

2008-01-29T17:10:00.001-08:00

wow, it's been a while since my last post. i haven't been slacking though! no, no, i've been busy collecting helpful hints and living the glamorous chronic lifestyle. with the new year and the popularity of resolutions, comes a renewed vigor on the part of the advice givers and the well wishers. they'll tell you that now's the time time to eat right and get healthy! the problem is, there are a lot of different opinions out there as far as what, when, how and how much we should eat. i know that most people feel confused these days as to what they should and shouldn't eat. is wine ok? how about coffee? butter? please, let butter be ok! when you you have a chronic illness, the pressure to figure out your diet becomes very intense. there's a lot riding on that glass of soymilk, don't ya know. here is a very small sampling from the buffet of best habits:

ouch! that's gotta hurt

2008-01-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

here's one for those of us who have been in pain for so long that anything offering up a bit of relief—especially something that has a half hour infomercial and airs late at night when we are particularly susceptible—starts to look promising and we are tempted to take the bait.

the folks over at q-ray must be feeling some pain: they lost big time today in court. using such words as "blather," "techno babble" and the seriously condemning "poppycock," a u.s. circuit judge upheld a 2005 judgment against the makers of the miracle q-ray ionized bracelet. their claims of pain relief (and the later non-specific claims of "greatly increased well-being") were just too much for the federal trade commission. in the second judgment against them, the company has been ordered to pay back a whopping $87 million in refunds to customers and hand over $16 million dollars in profits to the ftc. here's a quote from the unimpressed and highly creative judge:

"Defendants might as well have said: Beneficent creatures from the 17th Dimension use this bracelet as a beacon to locate people who need pain relief, and whisk them off to their homeworld every night to provide help in ways unknown to our science."
-U.S. Circuit Judge Frank Easterbrook

now, that's a judge after my own snarky heart!

if you're still a believer in the bracelet or the 17th dimension, don't worry, you can still buy the little chunk of metal that could over at q-ray.com and q-ray.ca where they will help you "optimize your own bio-energy" and enable you to "enjoy a healthy and enhanced lifestyle."

proof in advertising

2007-12-31T15:43:00.000-08:00

i knew it! didn't i say that ads were suggesting that we've done something wrong if we get sick? sometimes, the old adverts just said it so clearly. sometimes, if we look to the past, we can see how we got where we are today.

isn't it kind of creepy how happy and smug the healthy person looks? now, who is the sick one, really?

you do the math

2007-12-06T18:55:00.000-08:00

okay, class. put aside the science of chronic illness for today; right now, we are going to focus on the math. i just picked up my prescription for natural thyroid hormone and, along with it, a helpful brochure on how to titrate (that's chemistry and we'll handle that another day) my dose and maximize the drug's effect. i will add to this my daily numbers. ready?

i have to take my temperature 3 hours after awakening, 3 times per day, 3 hours apart for 5 days and average each day. my temperature should be a bit above 37 degrees celsius but will more likely be close to 35 degrees. i should start with 1-7.5 mcg capsules, 2 times per day and build up in divided doses of 15 mcg's to anywhere from 125 to 225 mcg's. the drug has to be taken 1 hour before eating or 2 hours after and 12 hours apart. i should be careful not to let my blood sugar drop and should many small meals per day. for each meal, i should eat 3 parts of protein to 1 part unrefined carbohydrates. i should eat between 60 and 70 grams of protein per day. i should avoid drinking water 1/2 hour before, during or after food. i should drink at least 6 glasses of water per day. add to the thyroid pills, 1 to 4 -12.5 mg capsules of io-plex daily with food, for 3 to 6 weeks. add 1-250 mcg capsule of chromium per day. take 1 capsule twice daily of guggulipid. take 1 to 4 capsules of ashwaganda. take 5oo mg of tyrosine 3 times per day with meals. take 1 multi-vitamin per day. and 1 capsule of 1000 or 2000 mcg b-12 per day.

need a breather? c'mon, you can do it! keep going...

for nausea, i take 6 nux vomica granules 15 minutes before or 1/2 hour after food. i take 3 vitamin d pills 3 times per day with food. 2 types of calcium 4 times per day with food. 1 cup of chinese tea 2 times a day, 1 hour after food. 2 neck stretches 1 time per hour. foot exercises 10 reps, 3 times per day. 5 different hand exercises, 10 reps, 3 times per day. 45 minutes of stretching, 1 time per day. 20 minutes of walking when possible. meditate for 15 minutes, 2 times per day. and it's all finished off with 10 mg of melatonin, 45 minutes before bedtime and 9 hours of rest.

more or less.

now. here is your homework:

if one sick person leaves their bed at 9:15 am and has to do 10 repetitions, 3 times per day of 12 different stretches and needs 6 small meals; and the another sick person leaves their bed at 7:30 am and has 2 appointments with specialists --each of whom tends to be between 30 and 70 minutes late-- who are 11 km's apart... when will they ever meet for coffee?

do i have any high-level mathematicians reading this? can we get a formula for dosing, exercising and time management, please? for now, i will drink my new vanilla tea and switch to physics: a body at rest tends to stay at rest.

'tis the season...

2007-11-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

for colds and flus. i've got my first, how about you? nowadays, it seems like a personal failing if you catch a cold or flu. what did i do wrong? what kind of a slob am i that i don't manage to wash my grubby hands well enough to rinse a measly virus down the drain? what product, herb, berry or shot didn't i take? damn! did i fail to spray all doorknobs and shopping carts?

candy's dandy

2007-10-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

i'm back and just in time for halloween! i know you'll make sure to wear reflective clothing, dress warmly and avoid lead-tainted make-up; but are you well-armed with all the sweet advice you need for this candy festival? don't forget:

sugar will kill you. it will destroy your immune system.

sugar is fine in moderation. don't stress about it so much.

chocolate is great for you. it has antioxidants. it's good for your heart. and your brain, i think.

sugar can lead to alcoholism.

heroin and sugar are arrived at by very similar processes of refinement. think about it.

just eat natural sugar. you'll be fine.

everyone has cravings for sweets and that just proves that we need them. sugar is just an energy food.

honey is good for your tissues and your immune system.

sugar is enemy number one of the bowel movement.

trick? treat? whatever. i'm going to have some gummy worms, pumpkin truffles and some scary, chocolate covered bugs. i'm going to live it up! and i'm going to put off reading 146 reasons why sugar is ruining your health till well after all the halloween candy is gone.

you're just too good to be true

2007-09-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

a comment on this blog by chayil got me thinking about wonder cures. someone told her that a daily dose of horse milk is a sure cure for what ails her. companies don't generally use the phrase "miracle cure" these days, what with it being illegal to make such claims and all; but the message of miraculous health is still being promoted in an enthusiastic and compelling way.

someone recently tried to sell me some himalayan goji juice. i guess goji juice is the new tahitian noni juice. or is it the new mangosteen juice? anyway, earl mindell, the doc behind this juice, claims that it is the "ultimate nutritional discovery," and he hopes to "close down one half of all hospitals because we won't need them anymore!" you might say it's a miracle what people can get away with saying. or at over $50 a bottle, perhaps the real marvel is the good doctor's bank account. but i digress.

obviously, anything that is touted as a cure-all should be looked at with a lot of skepticism. this includes grandiose claims made by pharmaceutical companies, by the way. just because a medication has a din number, a corporation and a slick commercial behind it doesn't mean that claims to its transformative properties should be wholly and uncritically embraced. cymbalta just might not radically change your life and make you as well-adjusted, well-dressed and happy as the folks in the ad on t.v.

one no longer has to look at the back of a comic book or trashy magazine for miracle cures. they are on t.v, the internet, in magazines and in books. the miracle of soy, the miracle magnetic cloth, the master molecules of goji, the perfection of the latest anti-depressant... they are all waiting for you.

i admit, i'm as ready as the next person to "look and feel twenty years younger." i would sign up in a minute if i thought that a treatment or berry or drug would safely rid me of my chronic pain and fatigue. but come on, don't try to suck me in.

[if you'd like to watch a investigative report on himalayan goji jiuce check out cbc's "marketplace"]

where's your head at?

2007-09-16T20:06:00.001-07:00

everybody knows that you've got to try to have a positive attitude in life -- lemons and lemonade, and all that -- but some people seem to think that our thoughts are much more powerful than they really are. some folks believe that all anybody really needs is an "attitude adjustment," and bliss, greatness, wealth and wellness will follow. they believe that the opposite is also true: our nasty, negative thoughts will lead us to misery, poverty and traumatic injury. the "you create your own reality" mentality seems to be applied with great zeal to physical illness: warts are little volcanoes of anger that we haven't released; alzheimer's disease is caused by a person's desire to forget past traumas; cancer can be cured by visualizing armies of white knights vanquishing black cells and people run red lights and hit us because we draw pain into our lives. me, i like to use my mind to bend spoons.

can we get an ''amen''?

2007-09-04T13:19:00.001-07:00

when we think of fundamentalists, what usually comes to mind is someone with a religious, political or ideological bent who strictly adheres to a set of rigid ideas or principles. they're often quite keen on trying to convert others to their way of living. and their way of living is the right way, by the way, and don't you forget it. i have encountered many fundamentalists in my day. i am often very surprised by their fervor. for some people, there is but one way to enter the kingdom of wellness; there is only one thing you must do to turn everything around. i ask you, though, how can one get religious about water or meat?

sweet dreams are made of this

2007-08-27T11:19:00.001-07:00

when you're sick, especially if you have aches and pains, it's not as simple as flopping into bed and falling easily off to sleep. we toss and turn. we count backwards from a thousand. two thousand. three. but perhaps it isn't the sore necks or backs that are keeping us up, it's the constant mulling over of the many staunch opinions so freely shared about the right way to sleep. so, don't sleep too much or too little, don't sleep on the wrong mattress, don't sleep in the wrong position, don't eat before going to bed, don't go to bed hungry, don't sleep at the wrong time of day or night and don't, for pete's sake, worry about getting to sleep!

[click on the image to see full size]

always more than you bargained for

2007-08-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

this isn't a get-well-type-thing, but it ought to be included, i think, in our collection of the strange things people say. if you have any experience with specialists, you will know how they are apt to comment on many things that are not within their area of expertise. going to see someone about osteoporosis? she'll tell you how to manage your pain. got a hip problem? he'll tell you what you should do for your dyspepsia. this statement has to be a prize winner:

i do, by the way, get $45 haircuts and wash and press my clothes. apparently, not wearing makeup and a dress is a big problem in doctorland.

the strange things that people say (and do)

2007-08-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

believe it or not, i do sometimes take the advice of others regarding my health. to wit: i am feeling rather green from drinking wickedly vile chinese medicine tea. i see this doc every four days and he has me busy boiling up vats of very potent herbs. i don't much feel like posting, so while i drink strange blends of grasses and berries and bark, i give you two bright and funny folks who have posted about what is king on this site: the strange things people say.

elizabeth mcclung in her intro blog at ouch! describes many meaningful and odd interactions with able bodied folks. sarah leavitt has a comic on the alzheimer's society's web site about the way out there things people said to her when they learned her mother had alzheimer's.

enjoy!

if i had a million dollars

2007-08-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

if i had a tonne of cash, i would probably not spend it on many of the pricey solutions people have suggested to me. well, maybe i would make an exception for that ocean and organics therapy in sunny mexico. hang on! what was i thinking? i am rolling in the dough: i'm sick and can't work and live on a disability allowance from the government.

drawing from experience

2007-08-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

check out my girlfriend's site for lots of funny, smart, creative content including yours truly - drawn in comic format - in her now-infamous chronic holiday moment.

from the mouths of health care workers

2007-07-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

i make none of this up. i swear.

just a few simple steps...

2007-07-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

all we have to do to rid ourselves of those pesky aches and pains is to follow all the sage advice we are given every day. it's just that easy! here we have the starter set of eight things to keep in mind on your way to wellville:

Which of the following scenarios resulted in a "Sorry, we can't treat you... like noooo way, now get out of my clinic!" type response:
	On presenting at hospital with severe jaundice and malnutrition
	On presenting at the dentist's for a filling
	On presenting at the gynae clinic with ongoing menstrual problems
	On presenting at the dentist's for an Xray
	On presenting at physio, for (erm) physio
	On presenting at the doctor's for nutrition shakes

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	Which one of the following suggestions has NOT yet been made to me to relieve my spine problems?
		Prolotherapy: injections of dextrose into the hypermobile ligaments around my SI joints
		A visit to hold the healing dirt from the hole in the floor of the Catholic chapel in Chimayo, New Mexico, known to cure people of chronic conditions
		Drinking ayahuasca and sanango tea in shamanic ceremonies in New Mexico to cast out my demons and increase my serotonin uptake
		Divorce and possible job change because studies reported in Newsweek suggest the vast majority of back pain is caused by psychological issues
		IV chelation to detox heavy metals, NAET allergy therapy and counseling for unresolved emotional issues

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which comment sent seahorse scooting to the boiling point?
	“Tut,” huffs a mother who whisks her toddler from certain death as Seahorse tries to navigate a crowded supermarket aisle.
	“What’s your top speed?” utters some wit in the playground.
	“I wish I had one of those!” sighs a pensioner who then goes on her merry able-bodied way. Oh, you poor old thing.
	“You were walking yesterday!” exclaims a neighbour. Hmmm. Very observant.
	“Get out of my way, old man!” yells a small, truculent boy who is instantly hushed and marched off by his mother. Were you talking to me? Seriously?

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which of the following is NOT a cure for MS?
	snake venom
	bee stings administered at acupuncture points
	super blue-green algae
	a strict paleolithic hunter/gatherer diet
	removal of all dental fillings
	massive doses of vitamin D
	moxibustion candles
	hyperbaric oxygen chamber
	marijuana
	cognac

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can you pick out the depression curing advice jackal has NOT received?
	use a flotation tank daily
	accept jesus as your lord and personal saviour
	it's all in your mind - just relax and let it go
	buy a soft dog and pet it every day
	eat for your blood type
	lithum is recommended but take prozac instead

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according to a dentist, how can you improve your sleep?
	count green cows and not white sheep
	align your bed along important ley lines
	drink hot water with 2 teaspoons of honey before bed
	ask jesus for deeper sleep

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according to cashier number 16, what will cure arthritis?
	releasing childhood issues
	getting rolfed every week
	gold injections
	botox

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my get up and go got up and went. what do i need to do to be energized?
	do a lemon water, cayenne and maple syrup fast 6 times per year
	take 15, 000 i.u.'s of vitamin D per day
	start my day with a glass of warm water and olive oil
	take 1/4 teaspoon of tumeric with each meal
	eat 7 grain cereal every morning

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what is the obvious cure for autonomic failure?
	vast amounts of L arginine
	pranic healing
	high doses of vitamin c
	korean ginseng

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what remedy is a "sure cure" for insomnia?
	drinking horse milk once a day
	sleeping with a crystal under your pillow
	wearing golf socks to bed
	eating a high protein snack at bedtime

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